I used to think when I had a feeling I needed to dig in, explore it and figure it out so I could get past it. What I was really trying to do was fix a feeling. And you can’t fix a feeling.

Our feelings come from our thinking. Sometimes, we’re aware of the specific thinking we’re having and can trace the sensation we’re feeling to a specific thing or event. You get on the scale and the numbers are the same as the last time you stood on it – even though you’ve done all the hard work and it should NOT be the same! You probably feel sad, disappointed, mad, or any other combination of feelings. But, you’re pretty focused and know this feeling is about your weight loss journey. And, it will probably keep bringing up more emotional fodder the longer you think about it. In fact, even writing this example, I’m reliving the thinking I’ve had when I experienced the same thing and I’m starting to feel pretty crappy about it all, too. Even though that’s not at all what’s happening in my life right now.

Oooh that was a little too raw of an example of when a “specific thing sets off a feeling”. Maybe I should have kept to my first example when it popped up: you’re arguing with your partner and they say something that is shitty to you or about you and now you’re arguing about that – not whatever you were arguing about in the first place. Which was probably about something stupid like not washing the dishes or something. Except here, You KNOW why you’re mad now. You don’t need a diagram [insert psychological football play here] to show you what just happened.

But, sometimes… our thinking is sneakier and creeps up on you. Take for example what I experienced today. It should be less triggering, I hope.

I woke up in a fine mood and all was well. It was supposed to be in the 70s today and we’re at an oceanfront RV park. We were going to sit outside and clean our massive haul of gorgeous shells we’ve found in our month here. And we were going to grill and cook outdoors. It all sounded lovely. But then the rain alert chimed on my phone. We had about 45 minutes before it was going to rain and we still needed to walk the dog, too.

And friends were coming to visit at some undetermined time later today. Could be in a couple hours, could be later this evening. Who knows. I decided I didn’t want to grill in a hurry- well, no, actually, it seems the weather decided for me and I just acquiesced if I’m being 100% because I also got distracted playing around with stupid AI and making caricatures.

That was frustrating because I’d make a request to change something about the characters and it A) wouldn’t change it at all and B) changed something totally unrelated to what I asked. It illustrated my wife and I as very girly even though I gave reference photos, so I was like, MAKE US GAYER. It gayed us up by adding a rainbow flag patch on my t-shirt sleeve and an heirloom framed photo of the two girly women in an embrace hanging on the wall. But didn’t touch the long haired, girly girls at all. I mean, I guess I’m glad adding gay decor was the best it could do to MAKE US GAYER. What I meant was- give us shorter hair and unisex clothes – which is probably problematic of me to begin with…

In fairness to myself, I did add that actual text “use the reference photos and keep in mind, we wear more unisex clothing.” But, it changed that part, but completely changed the setting and background. So annoying.

And then I asked it about a project I’m thinking of working on and got frustrated again. It overcomplicated things and was close, but missed the mark and wasn’t really what I was wanting. Ughhh!

In the meantime, Brooke is cooking between raindrops and coming in and out of the RV and I have to pull my feet in from the recliner each time she needs to pass by me because we live in an insanely small space and what are we even doing?!

And I’m going down this rabbit hole of AI that’s supposed to help but is just taking me farther and farther away from what I KNOW and what I actually WANT to do. And it’s been hours and I feel the day slipping away and I was supposed to do things today and I’m hungry, too, and I have to poop. Which means I have to go open the vent in the bathroom because the kitchen is 2” away from the bathroom and I would like to enjoy my hibachi without the scent of toilet.

I close my laptop and just sit here. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. Maybe a shower would help? Maybe I need a coffee-pick-me-up. I feel unsatisfied with the lunch I had. Maybe I want something else to eat? No, I’m in my “drinking era” because I had a gastric bypass and can’t eat and drink at the same time and not knowing I’d feel like this and want a snack, I am stuck with drink only. Looks like I have to find a yummy liquid to fix this feeling? WHAT DO I DO TO FEEL BETTER??!?!?

Because, that’s all we’re ever doing when we try to fix a feeling. We’re trying to feel better. So much of everything humans do is to feel better or because it makes us happy. I feel off and want to get back to feeling fine again. I don’t even know how I got to this place.

Now, I could look back at the chain of events and attribute my gross feeling state to what was going on – to the circumstances of my life.

But, you know what else is going on at the same time that I’m not paying attention to? I’m sitting in my lovely, dream RV with the door open at the beach and I can hear the sound of the ocean. The dog is laying in her bed looking out the door and practically hyperventilating smelling all the smells as the wind blows. My wife is taking a shower and preparing to see friends who are coming into town to visit.

And suddenly it hits me – again – even though I thought I already knew this stuff. I’m paying attention to my thoughts instead of what’s actually happening RIGHT NOW in this moment. I was thinking about all the things that were “upsetting me” and how my expectations (that I made up!) were not being met – by me! – and here I was again, trying to fix a feeling.

When I realized there was something else I could think about, oh I don’t know, about how awesome my life is, I started feeling better. My mood started to lift and I started to feel more positive and instead of feeling pessimistic about my project, I felt inspired.

The only thing that can keep you from enjoying all that you already are is a thought. One thought, your thought. Not someone else’s thought. Your thought . . . Whatever thought you are thinking at the moment that feels more important to think than feeling grateful, alive, content, joyful, optimistic, loving and at peace. . . that’s the only thing that’s between you and happiness. – Mavis Karn

And from this place, I opened my laptop and started writing this. Which is my project. The thing I was so irritated I wasn’t doing and getting distracted from and then was beating myself up about it and getting farther from doing the damn thing. It doesn’t matter that the last time I wrote something was three months ago. Even though I swore I’d be consistent and I could go into a lot of thinking about why I haven’t written sooner and what is wrong with me that I can’t stay at a thing and actually succeed at my self-imposed goals. All of which would seriously derail me from doing the thing that I’m currently doing right now.

See how circular that is? Think about the ways you’ve screwed up in the past and decide you need to fix yourself so that doesn’t happen again. Do a lot of introspection, spin your wheels and drift farther from your dreams. Now think about how you suck because you can’t finish your degree, or lose weight, or get that business off the ground, or just enjoy where you are for 5 seconds.

That happened to me a lot when I was on my weight loss journey. I’d start thinking about how many times I’d failed in the past and get discouraged. I’d try and fix my feeling with something- anything. When I weighed less, it was easier to go for a walk, or go do something that involved some physical activity. As I gained weight, it was faster and quicker to feel a moment of “better” with a tasty food treat. But, I was doing the same thing then that I did today.

I had some thinking that was bringing me down and making me feel uncomfortable. Out of habit, I turned to what could make me feel better – food, drink, a change of scenery – all things outside of me. When what was really “wrong” was where my thinking was taking me. I was alerted to the fact that my thinking was going off track by the way I was feeling.

I saw what’s really happening and knew the answer to how I was feeling wasn’t in changing something outside me. It was catching what was going on in my mind that was making me feel a certain way. I didn’t end up eating something that would be “not on my diet”, or as I prefer to say these days, not helpful in my health goals. I’ve lost over 100lbs, but I still weigh myself and notice the fact that I notice the scale is not where I prefer it and have some feelings about it. Like, as long as I stay under X weight, I’m good. That thought is now “Interesting” to me, instead of something I feel like I need to do something about. But, that’s a story for another day…

I attribute my weight loss and the relatively easy journey I have had with it in the last year or so, to this understanding I have now. That we live in an inside-out world. It’s our thoughts that we feel, not the situation. I can do something about the thoughts I’m having and that’s really helpful to know when you can’t change the situation you’re in.

Even now, I still get tricked by my thinking and look for ways to make myself feel better in the moment. Even though I KNOW that it will pass if I just leave it alone. If I put it down and don’t keep thinking about it. Just let it go. Drop it. Just because you thought it, it doesn’t mean it’s true. My life ISN’T frustrating because it rained and I didn’t accomplish the things I wanted to in the time frame (which is always shorter than the time it actually takes to do the thing) that I “allowed”.

In fact, having this experience brought me the gift of getting this down on paper and reviving my languishing little newsletter. It’s not how I planned to get this done, nor what I planned to write about (which was part of the frustration – not having anything to write about), but it’s what’s happened. And I’m pretty happy with it. It might be even better than what I was going to write about anyway. Funny how that happens. Loosen your grip and see what happens.

This is the kind of thing I work with clients on. I especially love working with people on weight loss journeys using GLP1s or surgery. I’ve used both and lost over 100lbs. What I learned in the process was we get help with the body stuff, but where’s the help with the mind stuff?

We think we need to lose the weight to “fix ourselves” before we can be okay. But what if realizing we’re already okay is the key to what makes this journey easier and sustainable? I believe that deeply knowing and understanding who we are (that we’re not broken and don’t need fixing in the first place) and understanding how our experience is created (so we can stop sabotaging ourselves with our thinking) is the real weight-loss secret no one is talking about.

If, like me, you’ve tried everything else but know SOMETHING has got to work, and are open to trying something different, I’d love to hear what you’re going through. I offer a free call to see if coaching can help you like it helped me. Send me a message here